Losing a loved one to cancer

Many of you already know this, but for those of you who do not, my mom died of cancer when she was 44 years old, just 3 days after my 15th birthday. I grew up in a typical family and we were very close. It was beyond difficult saying goodbye to her and to this day I still cry myself to sleep because I miss her so much. She had cancer of the common bowl duct (pancreatic) and that combined with hepatitis and yellow jaundice made her last 3 months alive almost unbearable for her. She never believed this would take her life so she never prepared any of us for this event. After she passed on I clung to my Aunt Ruth (my dads sister.) Her and my mom were more than sister in laws, they were like me and my sister in law, Tina. They were truly closer than blood sisters. My Aunt Ruth became a surrogate mother for me and it was comforting to spend time with her. Only 6 short years later (shortly before my 21st birthday) she died of a blood clot after bypass surgery. These 2 events made it very difficult for me as I felt like everytime I got close to someone they died. Cancer has always been a hard thing for me to stomach when I find out someone I know has it. When one of my best friends, Michelle, found out that she had breast cancer she was so upbeat, positive and such a witness for God that she amazed me. I saw her go through losing her beautiful hair, painful radiation and surgeries with a smile on her face and nothing but grace. I moved away from Michigan during the last 2 years of her life. When I found out that she finally succomed to it I was just devistated. Cancer is something we try not to talk about at home as it makes everyone in my family get upset.

Well, last month our dishwasher broke down so I called up our landlord and let him know. He said he was really sick and if I'd just go buy a new one and take that amount out of the rent that would be great. I really didn't think much about it til his son in law came by for the rent check and we found out that he was in the hospital. So my DH and I went to see him while he was there and he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It about knocked me over. Hearing those words again opened up all these old wounds. Now, we aren't super good friends with the landlord, but he's a nice older man and we've been renting from him since we got married 5 years ago and have spent time here and there with him. I called him today to see how he was doing and he told me that after 2 weeks of them picking and prodding at him the prognosis wasn't good and that he decided to come home and just "do what I'm gonna do". Which of course I interpret as live until I die. It's been a very emotional day for me today. Once again I see this horrible thing take away someone else for no good reason.

I pray that you never lose a loved one to cancer. I pray that you never have to see those you love waste away to nothing. I hope that your children will not have to go through what I did. I don't have much more to say at the moment. I hope tomorrow that I will be a little stronger and be able to deal with this better. I'm no good to him if I break down in front of him. Thanks for listening...